$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
