I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i now understand why vodka
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
