My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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