Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He kissed a someone with a penis
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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