I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
