At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
