What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
