Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
