from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
