he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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