Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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