yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
