Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
