this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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