I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
