he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
