me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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