I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
