Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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