Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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