i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
