Please, let me fuck your mom
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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