I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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