Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
