God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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