The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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