her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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