We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
