I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
