don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Blood and glitter go together right?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
