We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
