So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Randomize
