Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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