the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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