i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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