Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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