i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We left the knife in your bed.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
