Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

Fav 19 2014 777
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(651): View more from Minnesota

How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too

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(443): View more from Maryland

Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"

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