What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
