awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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