did you get engaged???
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
