Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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