i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
