Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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