I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
