Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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