Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
