I need help removing her.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
