Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize