is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
