this beer tastes like vomit already
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
