White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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