She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
