dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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