stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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