I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize