I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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