I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
