You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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