So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
