and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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