gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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