look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
