hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
