I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
