why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
