Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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